12/24/2007

HOLIDAY GREETINGS FROM EVERYONE THAT MATTERS

Alternative greetings to "Merry Christmas"


Happy holidays!

Pleasant winter!

Enjoyable solstice!

Fun time!

Good happenings!

Happy happy day!

Wheeee!



Merry Christmas, readership. To celebrate the holidays, all my employees have made their own very special holiday specials. Blue Space has written you all a poem. Care to read it, Blue Space?

THANK YOU, ISAAC. MY HOLIDAY POEM IS ENTITLED, "HLDYPOEMdrft2.doc"

AHEM.

CHRISTMAS TIME IS A TIME FOR SHARING
A TIME FOR LOVE AND A TIME FOR CARING
CHRISTMAS TIME IS A TIME FOR TEARING
OPEN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS YOU MAY HAVE BEEN GIVEN

JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON
THE SEASON ISN'T FOR NO REASON
IF YOU SAY IT IS YOU'LL BE TRIED FOR TREASON
GIVEN THE CURRENT POLITICAL CLIMATE UNDER THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION

SANTA CHRISTMAS IS THE MAN
WHO GIVES OUT PRESENTS FROM HIS VAN
ONCE SOME SMART KIDS TURNED AND RAN
BUT DIDN'T GET VERY FAR, AS IT TURNED OUT






….




…Is that it?

THANK YOU.

Ok, great. Thanks Blue Space. Very festive. Next we have something from an old friend of mine, or rather a young friend, we haven't heard from him in a while because he was placed in foster care for a few months because of some issues at home involving drug abuse, regular abuse, and homelessness, but apparently he's back with his mom now and doing great. Allow me to reintroduce my 7 year old main-man, Danny Elfman! (no relation to the film composer.)


Hi Isaac! I made a drawing for Christmas! Do you want to see my dinosaur?




Your drawing is of a dinosaur?


No my drawing is of Christmas! Look I have a dinosaur!




Wow, Danny, that's a great little tiny plastic dinosaur, did you get that from a gumball machine?


No my mom gave it to me for Christmas!





Wow, did she get it from a gumball machine?



No, she always keeps the stuff she gets from gumball machines and doesn't ever let me play with it. She found this in the parking lot of the government place!


You mean the DSHS office?



I don't know but I like dinosaurs! She said if I take really good care of this one she might get me another one next year! Or maybe just take this one away for a while and give it to me again next Christmas, but she said I won't know the difference!


Well your mom's a very nice lady isn't she Danny? Do you want to share your drawing with us now?



Ok! Mom doesn't like it when I draw or play with toys in the house, she says I can only play outside but it's sooooo cold! Last time I tried to play with my GI Joes I got so cold that I fell asleep and then I got really sick and had to go to the special hospital where all the Mexican people go and you have to wait a long time. So I drew this when I was in the bathroom so she wouldn't see--don't tell her! Ok look!




That's beautiful Danny. Really creates a warm sense of home.

Finally, although he couldn't be here with us in person today, our good friend Senator Pablo McDougal has sent us a little holiday cheer, a Christmas greeting in the form of a little video of his seasonal musings. Let's see it, Pablo!



12/12/2007

MY ADVENTURES WITH HEALTH

I used to scoff at health. I was your typical twenty-something bachelor, subsisting mainly on frozen pizza and Taco Bell. I drank very little water, I hardly ever slept, and I maintained a diet rich in sodium, preservatives, and trans-fats. In relatively recent times, I have turned my life around. I gave up Freschetta and fast-food, I drink gallons of bottled water, I get…well…some sleep, I eat balanced nutrition, I even take vitamins. I must feel vastly healthier, my life must be completely revolutionized, right?

There is no discernible difference.

That's right. For all my troubles, all the inconveniences, added expenses, and flavor sacrifices, I really don't feel much better at all. Still just about equally tired, still get sick about equally often…the only thing I have to show for all this effort is Multivitamin urine the color of antifreeze.

Is health a myth? A hoax? Is the whole health movement just an elaborate placebo? Even if there is some difference, does it even come close to equaling out the amount of extra energy spent on living healthy? I don't know what the mathematical formula is, but there needs to be some kind of cost/benefits analysis here.

Cost of Living Healthy:

Giving up the tangy, salt-soaked heaven of Freschetta pizzas

Countless hours lost by home-cooking meals from healthy ingredients

Eating the exact same thing (beans and brown rice, fruit and spinach smoothies) for almost every meal

Extra cost of buying vitamin supplements and healthy food as opposed to the cheap and convenient Four Food Groups of Taco Bell (Nasty Beans, Nasty Meat, Bleached Flour, Nacho Cheese Food Paste Product)

Giving up most forms of Fun in order to go to bed early

Benefits of Living Healthy:

Slightly less general nausea

Neon pee

Maybe a study needs to be done to determine if we should even bother. I've never heard a discussion of whether or not being healthy is really all it's cracked up to be. There are plenty of conflicting health reports being released all the time—"Chocolate is Good For You!"/"Chocolate is Bad For you!", etc—but where is the report declaring "HEALTH MAY BE BAD FOR YOU!" ?


GETTING SHOT MAY PREVENT CANCER

Getting shot, long thought to have serious impact on overall health, may in fact help prevent cancer, according to a new study by the FDA. The study found that people who had been shot by any type of gunpowder-based weapon, from handguns to high-powered rifles, had significantly lower chances of being diagnosed with cancer than people who had not been shot. The study examined a wide range of statistics, dating from the present back to World War II, during which the majority of Americans had been shot, and cancer rates were at their historical lowest. The link between cancer and getting shot was not entirely clear, although some researchers speculated that bullet-lead may be quite high in antioxidants.



By the way, in our last poll, "Which Cultural Element is Making the Strongest Case for the Imminent Downfall of Society?", the winner by a landslide was "The absorption off all music and popular culture into Hip Hop / R&B".
What does this mean, exactly? Is that culture causing a negative impact on the rest of society, or is society just eagerly diving into that pond because it's the easiest, simplest, most digestible route for our generally dumb culture? Discuss.



12/06/2007

NEWS: SEA VAMPIRES SPEAK OUT AGAINST PIRATE OVER-HARVESTING


The Sea Vampire community has launched a nationwide protest against the U.S Coast Guard and other forms of marine-based law enforcement, claiming that the constant patrol of coastal waters has seriously reduced the population of pirates, the Sea Vampires primary source of prey. While Sea Vampires once thrived in the pirate-rich waters of America's west coast and various South American coastlines, the pirate population has shrunk immensely in the last two centuries. This, the Sea Vampire community claims, is largely due to law enforcement efforts they consider "excessive" and "irresponsible".




"We would like to send a wake-up call to the U.S government that this kind of unsustainable harvesting of sea-based criminal elements can not continue unchecked without serious consequences for the Sea Vampire community, and thus the oceanic ecosystem at large," an un-named representative said during a press conference Tuesday, speaking through an interpreter who he psychically controlled with a finger embedded in the spinal column. "We realize that pirates and other hostile sailing groups can be dangerous to their respective socio-biological climates if allowed to over-populate, but some kind of balance needs to be achieved or Sea Vampires will be forced into either extinction or land-based predation."


The possibility of dwindling marine habitats forcing Sea Vampires onto land has been a longstanding fear of both humans and Sea Vampires alike, as the lack of access to pirate prey would likely result in Sea Vampires expanding their diet to include regular humans. Sea Vampire advocacy groups fear that such a shift to widespread consumption of law-abiding humans unaffiliated with marine crime organizations could do irreparable damage to public perception of the Sea Vampire community, reviving old stereotypes, and further blurring the line between generally peaceful Sea Vampires and their more militant, extremist counterparts on land.

12/01/2007

MY ADVENTURES WITH KITTY

I recently leased a small cat. This cat was found on the street by two friends of mine, and since they couldn't keep it, I asked if I could borrow it to see how I liked pet ownership, under the conditions that I could return it within 30 days with proof of purchase. No one even knew if it was a Tom cat or a Tanya cat for a while, until we discovered balls. Cat's have the strangest anatomy. Did you know this guy's penis comes out of a little hole right below his anus? I mean, it's facing toward the back of him…I can't even imagine the contortions that must be necessary for making sweet sweet kitty love. Does it work kind of like the "Snake Light" from Black and Decker? Oh, and also their penises have BARBS on them. That's right, barbs, like, hooks. Take a moment to think about that, ladies. Or don't.

Anyway, all disturbing, Lovecraftian anatomy aside, this cat, a mid-adolescence kitten, was pretty cute, so I took him home. I had him for something like 2 weeks, and believe me, dear readers, I gave the relationship a chance. But this cat…is completely bipolar obsessive compulsive schizophrenic crazy.

There were times when he was just a nice soft kitty, laying around on the couch, purring…and then suddenly, without warning, his head jolts up, tilts to the side with stiff, birdlike movements, his pupils narrow to tiny slits, and he explodes, running around the room pouncing and clawing like his fur is on fire. He is insane. He is an insane cat. He is possessed by the Devil. The cat devil. Do you think animals go to human Hell, or do they have their own Hell? Are there ever mixups where humans are sent to animal Hell and animals are sent to human Hell? I see a good sitcom in there. Pixar should start doing animated sitcoms about animals in hell. Anyway, allow me to list a few of kitty's crimes against my household:

1. Running around like a demon-possessed gasoline-soaked burning cat

2. Relentlessly assaulting house plants, knocking pots off shelves, chewing leaves, digging potting soil onto the floor

3. Clawing couches, legs, and dangling genitals

4. Sleeping on my bed, waking up at 3 am and pouncing on my face, clawing my face

5. Shredding paper towels, shredding toilet paper, forcing me to re-roll the roll, leading to the unsettling sensation of wiping myself with…..used toilet paper

6. Having a shrill, grating meow like a pubescent teenager

7. Moaning wretchedly every time he was about to poop, like a constipated old homeless man in a public restroom stall.

Kitty went nameless for most of his stay here. At one point I considered naming him Flushy, after an incident in which I was brushing my teeth and he suddenly dashed into the bathroom, jumped onto the toilet, slipped into the toilet, jumped up and grabbed onto the flush trying to climb out, pulled the flush, and spun into the toilet bowl, leaving me speechless with amazement as I grabbed him out just before he was sucked away to Sewertown. Flushy had a nice ring to it. But ultimately, since he was being called this all the time anyway, he was dubbed Little Fucker.

I thought that it would be nice to have a pet around the house mainly to ease the crushing silence and emptiness of a bachelor pad. Sure I have friends, and maybe even a girlfriend from time to time, but there's still a lot of time in between when the apartment can feel stunningly empty. During those times it was nice to have a furball to wrestle with, but then there were the times where I wanted to write stories, or play music, or paint paintings, or cook dinner, or tie my shoes, or put my pants on, or use the toilet, and L.F and his razor sharp claws of justice would be there to stop me. A constant whirlwind of frantic motion in my periphery vision, burrowing into my already distressed psyche, clawing at it.

People say that having a pet is like having a child. I found that to be true, except this was all the inconveniences of having a child without any of the classic benefits, like free house labor, or HOV lane access.

ISAAC, YOU HAVE A SERIOUSLY MISGUIDED VIEW OF WHAT HAVING CHILDREN IS ALL ABOUT.

Do I? Am I leaving out the true meaning of selfless love, caring for another living thing, the joy of raising up a beautiful little human being?

NO. YOU ARE FORGETTING THE TAX WRITE-OFFS, THE CHANCE TO LIVE OUT YOUR DREAMS VICARIOUSLY, AND SCORING CHICKS IN PARKS, PUBLIC PLACES, ETC.

Yeah well...keeping the cat actually could have provided me with all of those benefits. Except tax write-offs I guess. What if I got someone pregnant and they gave birth to a cat? That'd be weird wouldn't it?

THAT WOULD BE WEIRD.

Has that ever happened, Blue Space? You've been around a while. Are there any cases of women in their mid-twenties giving birth to cats?

NOT THAT I KNOW OF, ISAAC.

Hm. That's too bad. That would be kinda cool.

11/20/2007

THE END OF READING

OPENING STATEMENT:

Tonight I pulled into my apartment garage only to find that my parking space was taken by some asshole in a Mercedes. I had to park 4 blocks away and walk back with bags upon bags of groceries. Although that was annoying, I was quite excited to leave a note on his windshield—my very first "Hey Asshole…" note! But guess what? By the time I got back to my apartment, the car was gone. My note, full of devastating sarcasm and withering scorn, wilted in my hand, useless.

If I'm going to suffer indignities like this, shouldn't I at least get the satisfaction of bitching about it? I guess that's what this website is for…

FURTHERMORE:

A recent study shows that across the board, in all mediums, Americans are reading for pleasure less than ever before. This isn't just literature, novels, etc, this is all forms of the written word, including magazines, even the mighty Internet. (Yes, that would include even lighthearted easy-reading trifles like BurningBuilding.com)

Less than 30% of Americans said they regularly read for pleasure, down 5% since the mid 90's.

Who didn't see this coming?

In fact, 30% seems pretty high to me. I think out of pretty much everyone I know, only 3 or 4 people would be considered regular readers. Sitting down with a book is now kind of a quaint, old-fashioned novelty notion, almost an affectation, like smoking a pipe, collecting cigars, home brewing, bonsai trees, single malt scotch, and Renaissance fayres.

This is distressing to me, obviously, since 70%-80% of what I do with my life is based around writing, and therefore, by extension, reading. Am I training in an obsolete trade? Is my dream of becoming a successful writer kind of like my dream of becoming a successful blacksmith?

And, what exactly is causing this decline in literacy? The obvious answer is not enough "Reading is FUN" posters in our libraries. How are people supposed to know if they're not told? I think if the statistics were examined you would find a very clear link between the decline of Elijah Wood "Reading is Hobbit-Forming!" posters and the decline of American reading. But although this is certainly a major contributing factor, there must be others, because I've viewed my fair share of pro-reading advertisements, and even I find myself reading far less than I used to. What is going on? Let's take a look at a few of the elements of modern society that are edging out the written word…


Television

Low cost and ease of production for reality shows featuring attractive, vapid automatons in crude parodies of life situations allows for vast explosion in quantity of TV shows, with each channel boasting dozens of similar shows, each with its own spinoffs, knockoffs, and webisodes, until total psychological saturation is achieved. All available brain space is filled with the televised thoughts of attractive, vapid automatons.

Beowulf: the IMAX 3D Experience

CGI animated film hurls arrows, spears, axes, blood, guts, and naked Angelina Jolie directly at the viewers, completely blowing our minds and making us never want to read, write, talk, or walk around ever again.

Straight to Video Knockoff Films

Having already watched every other film in Blockbuster, people turn to low-budget, nearly-homemade films released to coincide with similarly named, similarly themed theatrical films, ie, Transformers / Transmorphers, Beowulf / Beowolf, etc.

Video Blogs (See Youtube)

Weary of ingesting the inane thoughts of strangers by reading them in written text form, Americans turn to video blogs, or "Vlogs", where they can listen to the inane thoughts of strangers while watching their faces from an uncomfortably close camera angle, and randomly assigning them celebrity status by public whim.

Sports/Video Games

Competitive entertainments allow bored Americans to work their reflexes and mental dexterity without actually doing anything, feel part of something without actually being part of something. People flock to Sports/Video Games as an outlet for their personal energies and as a general mental anesthesia. Helps relieve pressure of disposable income and time.

Youtube

Endless supply of videos where lightsabers have been digitally placed in the hands of people or animals who were not previously holding lightsabers.


THERE SEEMS TO BE A TREND HERE, ISAAC.

Oh yeah? What is that?

A TREND, IN THIS SENSE, IS A MOVEMENT OF SOCIETY IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION, A BUILDING TOWARDS SOME NEW PARADIGM OR AESTHETIC, NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH A "FAD", WHICH IS A SOCIAL PHENOMENA USUALLY CENTERED AROUND SOME POPULAR NEW ACTIVITY OR PRODUCT, SUCH AS THE CURRENT FAD OF THE "MACARENA" DANCE STEP ROUTINE AND "RAY BAN" BRAND SUNGLASSES.

Blue Space, I know what a trend is. I meant what is the trend you're seeing here?

AS PART OF THE GENERAL MOVEMENT AWAY FROM DIFFICULTY AND TOWARDS EASE AND INSTANT GRATIFICATION, HUMANITY SEEMS TO BE TRYING TO AVOID EVEN THE DIFFICULT SENSES. THE POPULARITY OF VIDEO BLOGS SHOWS THAT PEOPLE WOULD MUCH RATHER HAVE INFORMATION POURED INTO THEIR BRAIN THROUGH THEIR EARS THAN HAVE TO FOCUS THEIR EYES ON LETTERS AND ATTEMPT TO COMPREHEND WRITING. IS THE DAY TOO FAR OFF WHEN EVEN LISTENING TO INFORMATION IS CONSIDERED TOO MUCH EFFORT? TOO DULL, TOO SLOW?

That day will probably arrive just in time for the invention of direct-to-brain connections, so that entertainment won't require us to use our senses at all, it will just be dumped directly into our minds in a big, sticky, informationy gob. An entirely new form of blog will appear, the "brain log", or….blog. Hmm.

BRLOG?

Brailg?

HMM.

Hmm.

11/12/2007

GEAK!

This Halloween, I took a rather DIY approach to my costume, although I drew the line at fabricating my own plastic lobster from scratch. But if I had wanted to take a ready-made approach to my art, there were some great options this year. Consider the following costume package, which was brought to my attention (and bought for me from Goodwill) by Burning Building contributor Steven Aguilar.

Behold:


I'll give you a moment to take it all in.



So, let's examine this.

GEAK
Instant

Not "Instant Geak" mind you, but "Geak Instant". Sounds kinda prosey, almost, like, "...and in that geak instant, he realized that he did not know how to spell basic words..."
(Actually, that's very close-minded and xenophobic-American of me, "geak" is probably the European spelling)

So what we have here are glasses, ugly teeth, and a bow tie, or "Cravat" as the package calls it. And in the middle, we have a little carboard square with a bold-font description of the costume. There it is, right there in the package: EACH KIT OF TOOTH THING OF THE BIG IN SIMPLETON

Ahem.

Ok. So, is this some kind of word-puzzle? A bonus word-scramble game included with the costume? Let's move on.

So we've seen the very perplexing front of the package. Let's turn it around to see if there's anything there that might enlighten us.

The back of the package is blank white cardboard with the following astonishing description, reproduced here, I swear to God, verbatim, with key passages in bold:

Important information of the product:

Dasini MAKEUP can use for every occasion (Disco, Vocal concert) sports events (football team, baseball team) and other feast day (All Saints Day, Dionysia, Easter Sunday) soiree, it will give you create the infinite vital force, there are colors to suit pretty well every time, have a lot of fun for you and your friends. Get creativity with this fun makeup--your designs can be as simpLe or intricate as you like! Exert your creativity, creat inDiVidual designs! Everything you need to create yourself.

I almost have no words right now.

So, basically...let me see if I've got this right. This Geak Simpleton costume has colors to suit pretty well every time. So, therefore, if I'm sitting there in church on Easter Sunday dressed as a Geak, or I'm in ancient Greece in the temple celebrating Dionysia dressed as a Geak, or maybe I'm just enjoying a vocal concert or a football team (or baseball team!) dressed as a Geak, no matter what the circumstance, my creative individual designs made with this set of glasses, teeth, and Cravat, will give me create the Infinite Vital Force.

AWESOME.

So, let's see if it works shall we? I open the package and immediately put on the bowtie/cravat. I'm feeling Geakier already. Next I put on the teeth. They feel exactly like those things they put on you at the dentist for administering Apple Cinnamon flavored Flouride Gel. They most assuredly contain high levels of lead-based paint. Next I examine the "nerdy glasses". But as you may have noticed in the picture, these glasses look nothing like their Geak example photo. They are not big horn rim glasses with tape in the middle, they're actually just black sunglasses with shaded lenses. They are in fact, Cool Shades! So, here is the finished product:


Here we have it. Not so much a geak, in my opinion. More like a classy-dressing Orc with very tiny Cool Shades, on his way to a Hollywood afterparty.
But what's that...? That feeling...rising up from the deepest depths of my being...Is it...? Yes! It's the INFINITE VITAL FORCE! The costume works! The power is mine! I will live forever, or something! Thank you, Geak Instant! Now I have everything I need to creat myself!

BE CAREFUL, ISAAC. I HAD THE INFINITE VITAL FORCE ONCE, AND AS YOU MAY RECALL I ACCIDENTALLY BECAME ONE WITH THE UNIVERSE AND DESTROYED YOUR WEBSITE.

Oh I remember, Blue Space. But I will not suffer the same fate. My mind is far more powerful than yours, I can easily contain the raging energies of the Infinite Vital Force without losing control and becoming an insane and destructive cosmic entity like you did.

....

What? You don't think I can?

WELL, ISAAC, I'M NOT SAYING YOU ARE NOT A REASONABLY SMART HUMAN FELLOW, BUT THE INFINITE VITAL FORCE IS VERY...FORCEFUL. IT OVERCAME ME, AND I'VE HAD THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF EXPERIENCE DEALING WITH COSMIC ENERGIES. YOU'VE HAD...25 YEARS EXPERIENCE DEALING WITH...WELL, NOTHING.

Blue Space! You mock my powers! I possess the I.V.F! I will make an example of you that will cause future civilizations to tremble!

HOW?

By smiting you! With allergies! Allergies to cashews!

I DON'T EVEN LIKE CASHEWS.

And you better not ever change your mind! Because you will get such a rash!

I HAVEN'T EATEN A CASHEW SINCE I WAS 450. I HATE CASHEWS. THEY HAVE A GREASY, SICKLY-SWEET FLAVOUR.

Blue Space, you're disrespecting my new godlike status. I will not allow your impertinence to go unpunished, ok? I'm going to bring in a third party to deliver your punishment, someone who you will know means business.

WAIT. DONT.

Blue Space, present your defense to the ultimate judge of humanity, Senator Pablo McDougal.

hello from again a lot of time!! It has been a forever to the last time we talked, Isaac and Blue Spaces! Coming out for retirement of one lasting heist! REally? Yes!! it was true!

I AM NOT TALKING TO YOU.

laughlaughlaugh, Blue Space is always for a joking, just like somone who makes many joke! But funny times are short supplies now, since I was inviting here to provide a special punishing to stupid dumb blue talking guy. I will do it! Punishment was always my stock in trades! Just ask my Russian Bride! laughlaugh, laughing. Make domestic abuse, not war! it is for much better than conflicts in the middle East!!

THIS IS EXCESSIVE, ISAAC. PLEASE TAKE HIM AWAY.

i will always take Inifite Vital Force, and destroy many preconceptions about myself, as well as homes and civilians! haha, not a truism, I am never killing people because it is up against the law. If not--I make killing all the time instead of watch TV! hahaha, for much more realism than TV action show. Do you know?? it is a bad shame that things are unlegal. Everything fun is not allowed!!! it is a complaint that I have. Any way, now I am arranged to control Infinite Vital Force and strike down Blue Face, because to do Isaac's request! Get arranged, Blue Face! Arrange yourself to be punish of severity!

I'M LEAVING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVEN COME HERE. THE PAY IS NOT WORTH THE COMMUTE, MUCH LESS THE PARKING FEES, MUCH LESS THE ACTUAL WORK.




Hmm. He left, Pablo.

A good punishing was delivered promtply! Within 2-6 business days? Of course!! Blue Face was made to disappear, who knows what happened to his! probablhy very bad, we can hope!! maybe hit by a fast truck walking over street! We can hope he became killed!

Well, I guess this can count as a punishment. Thanks Pablo.

welcome to you're welcome, Isaac!!!!1! I am to go back to Senate now, my job is to be the Senator for the Washingtown state, it is the best of work, because i am always for getting money and buying cars of extreme expense! BMU sport car and sometimes Peace Car, the most expensive car made for Peace Symbol! S-Class! Animal skin on all seat and surface, of course, black interior. Respect my roots, like for the hippie movement I always supported. Senator is distantly better than grocery store clerk, way higher money and no one bothering me when make angry love with Russian Bride on Senate Floor. You know the phrase to be said, "When Senate Floor is a-rocking, don't come nearby!" hahahahaha, laugh.

Goodbye Pablo. Always good to see you.

11/07/2007

TIPS FOR SUSTAINABLE LIVING

If you would please direct your attention to the sidebar. You'll notice something so fun, you won't know how to do anything but soil yourself. It's Email subscription. Please enter your email address into the white box. This will cause you to receive a friendly notice every time a new Burning Building entry is posted. Allowing you to keep up with the times, like never before. Thank you.

The halloween costume poll has closed. As I suspected, it appears that by far the sexiest thing a man can be is Unavailable. "Sensitive Guy" is a close second. Contrary to common thought, "Rich Guy" came in dead last with only 1 vote, trailing behind "Giant Penis". It looks like the ladies and homosexuals of our readership almost have their priorities right.

I'm at a Starbucks right now supervising a visit, and I'm looking at a "Climate Action NOW" (CAN) poster, which is saying to "reduce carbon", and then offering a series of icons explaining how to do this. Regarding your habits at home, it instructs you to "Keep it Cool" (KIC)


55 degrees? Really? I guess I'm going to need to start wearing warmer clothes while lounging around the house. Nothing says "relaxing Sunday morning" like a warm cup of coffee enjoyed through the sight-hole of a fur lined tundra coat.
The other suggestions are car-related. First is "Inflate Tires" (IT)


With inflated tires, not only will you get better gas mileage, you'll also avoid those annoying showers of sparks from the bare wheel rims grinding on the pavement. Good advice I guess but I mean…Isn't this kind of a no-brainer?

Next is "Don't Idle" (DI)


This may be confusing at first as one wonders, how can I keep from idling? Won't I have to idle any time I come to a stoplight or get stuck in traffic? I think the suggestion here is that if those situations arise, you should not stop at all. That's right, just keep right on driving at posted speed limits. With luck, you will be able to push the other cars out of the way and keep driving at maximum fuel efficiency. But if not, you will most likely just get in a horrific auto crash, destroying your smog-belching vehicle (good) or killing yourself. (best)

The final suggestion is "Plan Your Trip" (PYT)


As best I can interpret the icon, the idea is, with your destination in mind you leave your house on a bike. At some point you abandon your bike and continue on foot. Halfway there, hijack a car and drive the next 1/4 of the trip. At the three quarter mark, find a bus, load your car onto the bus's "car rack", and continue the rest of the way by bus. This is called "Planning Your Trip", (PYT) and it is just one of the many ways you can Care About Our Planet (CAOP) or whatever. (CAOPOW)

11/04/2007

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS CONSPIRACY

It's 9:00 pm but in reality it's 10:00 pm--or is it 11:00? Or 7:00? Who even knows anymore because of Government Time Experiments messing with the very hours and minutes of the universe. When will the Secret Shadow-Congress of Washington State stop playing God and let the cosmos run their course before the entire fabric of space-time gets hopelessly worn through?

ISAAC, YOU ARE COMPLETELY MISTAKEN ABOUT THE ORIGINS AND NATURE OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME.

Oh really, Blue Space? Then how do you explain the fact that if you count all the letters in the word "United States Government" and divide that number by the font size of the word "Daylight Savings Time", it adds up to "666"?

IT DOESN'T.

Exactly. But if it did that would be weird.

ISAAC, DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE GOVERNMENT'S TIME-BENDING EXPERIMENTS OF THE 1970'S (1973 TO 2428, TO BE EXACT) DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME (DST) WAS "INVENTED" IN 1905 BY AN ALLITERATIVE ENGLISHMAN NAMED WILLIAM WILLET, WHO LOBBIED FOR IT UNSUCCESSFULLY UNTIL HIS DEATH IN 1915. THE U.S FINALLY ADOPTED IT IN 1918. IT IS SIMPLY A METHOD OF EXTENDING DAYLIGHT HOURS DURING THE SUMMER MONTHS.

That's all just the lines they fed you, Blue Space, you just took that information directly out of the CIA Sponsored Wikipedia website and you don't even realize that's all part of the cover up, just like the "footage" from the Fake Moon Landing.

NO, ISAAC. I HAVE DONE MY RESEARCH WELL ENOUGH TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE REAL WIKIPEDIA AND THE CIA CONTROLLED MISINFORMATIONAL DUMMY SITE. ANYONE SMART ENOUGH TO PROTECT THEIR PASSWORD ON MYSPACE IS SMART ENOUGH TO SPOT THE CIAKIPEDIA. AND NO, THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THE FAKE MOON LANDING, BECAUSE THE FACT IS THIS IS A WELL DOCUMENTED HISTORICAL FACT, AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT FBI SCIENTISTS IN FACT BLEW UP THE MOON AS EARLY AS 1943.

You're playing right into their hands, Blue Space. You're spreading their lies. Time fabric has been twisted to the breaking point by the fatal crossover of U.S Alternate Universe Oil-Drilling with black market Cuban Time-Tourism, and you know it.

GO TO BED, ISAAC.

Ok.

10/30/2007

BUS RIDIN' WITH MOZART

I've been experimenting with alternative transportation lately, such as buses and cabs. Not so much because I'm deeply concerned about petroleum and climate change, but because I need to stop driving drunk.

I tried it out a few Fridays ago. Took the bus from my house to Benaroya Hall, where I was going to see Mozart's Requiem via a last-minute invite from my friend Tara. I tried to plan my route on the Metro Transit website, but it gave me a tangled web of bus stops, numbers, and vague street intersections, and I found myself wandering back and forth across the street with a puzzled, "unfrozen-Neanderthal-lost-in-New-York" expression on my face. It makes me wonder--if I, a supposedly intelligent, semi-educated intellectual-type, am having such a hard time figuring this out, how the HELL do the inbreds, schizophrenics, and lunatic drunks that make up most of the bus ridership ever figure it out? Is bus-knowledge just naturally hardwired into those unfortunate genes collecting algae on the bottom of the pool?

So, finally, I find the right bus, and get on it. I ask the driver if this bus goes to University St. downtown, and he just stares at me with an expression that somehow makes the word "dour" seem like onomatopoeia. I shrug and climb aboard, and he hands me a piece of paper covered in columns of cryptic numbers and arcane symbols. I think it was a transfer, but it may have been a Tarot card.

I sit down, and within a couple stops, the seat next to me is filled by a cute girl listening to her iPod. Hey, this isn't so bad. A few stops later she exits, and is replaced by a catastrophically obese man whose body mass slowly squishes me against the wall as it spreads out to the sides of him like melting jello. He smells vaguely of nutmeg, which doesn't seem right, and confuses my senses. I minimize my breathing.

Eventually I reach my stop and arrive at Benaroya Hall. I realize that my previous impression of the Seattle Symphony crowd as being a fairly equal mix of formal and casual dress was slightly inaccurate, and I feel a little conspicuous. At least my hoodie is black. I meet Tara and we go inside.

The "opening act" is a frilly, bouncy little number by Mozart that brings to mind flowers, powdered wigs, and schoolgirls in petticoats fighting about limes. When that bullshit finally ends there is an intermission, and since I haven't eaten anything all day and my stomach is growling like an open-string double-bass in rondo, I decide to make a dash for it and get some food.

I'm not about to stand in line with a bunch of suit-wearing richies to pay 20$ (no joke) for a plate of Wolfgang Puck food scooped out of a cafeteria-style warming vat, so I run down the street to Quiznos. It's closed. I run down the street to a Teriyaki place. Like many small Asian restaurants they turn out to be cash-only, since Eastern peoples are not particularly adept at operating credit card swiping machines. Although I hear the more industrialized areas of Japan are starting to develop some rudimentary electronics capabilities--hopefully someday it will spread to their expatriates here in the US.

Finally I end up at a 1950's themed diner, and order a "Rocket Burger Cowboy Deluxe". Meanwhile, back at the concert hall, the 20 minute intermission is rapidly coming to an end. I get my burger and jog the whole way back while stuffing chunks of burger into my face, but I'm too late. I walk in to find the lobby empty, and the ushers frowning at me while strains of the Requiem seep through the closed doors. I ask if there's any way I can still get in somewhere, and one of the ushers sternly escorts me to a seat in the very, very, back, back, far right corner, underneath the overhanging box seats. I feel strangely singled-out, like I'm the only unshaven 25 year-old shuffling into his seat in the middle of the chorale wearing jeans, sneakers, striped pirate shirt, and a hoodie with half a bacon-and-onion-rings burger bulging out of the pocket.

So I finally settle in and enjoy the symphony. It's dark and stirring, with a massive choir belting out ominous latin verses. Apparently Mozart had some balls after all. Maybe that's why he died in the middle of composing this piece, since sex-change operations probably weren't very safe in the 18th Century.

At one point, as a movement ends a woman gets up to leave. Just as she clears the last seat she trips on something and falls flat on her face in the middle of the aisle. Instead of rushing to her feet and fleeing in embarrassment she just huddles on the floor with her arms covering her head. A man gets up to help her and she staggers to her feet, turns on him and shoves out her hand like someone warding off a vampire with a crucifix. She loudly hisses, "Stay back! Stay back!" and then runs away. Never a dull moment at the Seattle Symphony. I think she was late for a demon-summoning.

The symphony ends and I catch a ride with Tara to Easy Street Records, where I'm supposed to be going to a show where pretty much all my friends in the city are going to be. I soon learn that there are 2 Easy Street Recordses, and the correct one, which I'm not at, is faaaaaar on the other side of town. This is what I get for trying public transport. I start walking back in the general direction of my house, hoping to catch a bus heading back that way, halfheartedly holding my thumb out to the street as I walk.

At one bus stop I encounter a large man wearing a jacket covered in buttons. I ask him if he knows what bus will take me to Ballard. He turns slowly and smiles down on me beatifically. "Yes," he says, "Of course." And he begins a homily covering every glorious detail of the public transit system, in such a flood of information that I can't possibly absorb anything useful. Eventually I manage to nod and thank my way out of the conversation. Later, browsing on the internet, I discover that the man I encountered was in fact a local street celebrity, known as The Button-Wearing Bus Expert. He has his own page on Seattlenotables.com. I had no idea I was in the presence of a legend.

Finally I catch a bus to Ballard. The moment I step aboard, a scraggly old man in the front seat points at me and declares, like the prophet Elijah declaring the arrival of the Christ: "Now this looks like a young man who can take it!" (Behold!)

I sit down and look him in the eye and say, "Yes, I can take it."

The lady next to me rolls her eyes and says, "We've been 'taking it' for hours…"

Apparently the old man is quite the storyteller. He's also a close friend of President Nixon. And a member of The Who.

I love the bus system.

10/28/2007

A CLOSER LOOK AT AN ANCIENT PROFESSION - LOBSTER TRAINING IN THE 21ST CENTURY

COMMON EQUIPMENT AND ATTRIBUTES OF THE CERTIFIED LOBSTER TRAINER




1. OUTBACK BUSH HAT - Not technically necessary for this trade, nevertheless a traditional element of the Lobster Trainer's ensemble

2. STEELY GAZE - Essential for "breaking" new lobsters, which are often wild and unruly and respond aggressively to signs of weakness or uncertainty. It is essential that the Lobster Trainer maintain firm eye contact at all times during these early phases of training, in order to establish dominance.

3. EYE PATCH - Although deeply rewarding, lobster training is by nature a hazardous profession.

4. DUCK CALL (unseen beneath scarf) - A whistle used to call or signal the lobster in various ways, both during training and in the home. A duck call is used because it is the type of call most similar to the lobster's own vocalization, since lobsters evolved from ducks.

6. LEATHER GLOVE - Protects the trainer's hands from minor lobster-related injuries, although it is a mostly ineffective defense against the lobster's actual claws, which can cut through steel.

7. HOOK HAND - Although deeply rewarding, lobster training is by nature a hazardous profession.

8. CONTROL ROD -Used to guide the domesticated lobster when walking it in public places. In this case the rod has been given red stripes to double as a "sight-impaired" indicator, as this particular lobster also serves as a seeing-eye animal for its partially-blinded trainer. This relationship is unique, as it is the first known case of a seeing-eye animal being the very same animal that caused the disability, but as pet lobsters continue to gain mainstream popularity, it will surely not be the last such case.

9. TRAINED LOBSTER, "PINCHE" - This fully domesticated lobster, dubbed "Pinche", is over 17 years old, and has been in its trainer's family since birth. Although generally mild-tempered and affectionate, Pinche, like all lobsters, is a powerful, mysterious animal, and must be treated with caution and respect, or serious harm may come to its human companions. Increasingly aware of this danger, the FAC has implemented a law requiring all lobster owners to carry a registered firearm at all times, to be used to destroy the lobster in the event that they lose control of their pet.

10/10/2007

TRICK TRUCK

You know that new trend in commercial truck signage where the back of the truck is printed with a graphic that makes it appear as if the sliding door is halfway open, revealing the tools, equipment, or U-Haul storage space inside? Often with a friendly, uniformed employee standing on the edge, waving? Some of them are quite convincing illusions, and I find myself thinking, Hey, that guy's hatch door is open! But luckily, a crew member is there to hold it shut, and also smile and wave at me. I like this company because not only are their employees brave, they also provide great customer service! With a smile! While hanging off the edge of a fast moving truck!
Eventually the angle of the sun changes, revealing the 2-dimensionality of the scene, or I notice that the employee has not moved at all for several minutes despite being jolted around by the bumpy road, and I become aware that I'm looking at a clever illusion, and I feel somewhat let down and maybe even a little sheepish. But still, it's effective advertising. The illusion is not quite as successful when the image is printed on the back of a city transit bus instead of the company truck, however, because that makes me think, Hey! The hatch door on the back of that transit bus is open, all their drywalling tools are going to fall out--waaaait a minute.... and then I just get angry at the company for making me feel foolish. Damn you, company. I am smart. You tricked me.



10/02/2007

FOOD REVIEW 2 - CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER POPS




I've always been a big fan of Corn Pops, or as they're now called, "Pops", having modernized by dropping that old fashioned "corn" from the title, and changing their tagline to "Big Yellow Taste!". I have no idea what "Yellow" is supposed to taste like, but Pops taste pretty good. So, I was delighted and curious when I saw "Chocolate Peanut Butter Pops" at my local Safeway. I brought home a box and immediately poured a bowl.

What's this? The Pops are not in their usual puffed corn kernel shape, they are all perfectly round spheres. This can't be a good sign. I take a bite, and instead of the soft, gently pliant crunch that I'm expecting, the spheres shatter between my teeth like little balls of peanut-buttery pumice. Apparently the addition of the chocolate peanut butter flavoring necessitated a complete alchemical change in the basic structure of the cereal, because what I was eating was not Pops at all, it was slightly larger-than-average Cocoa Puffs, or maybe even Captain Crunch---the ultra-crunchy polar opposite of sweet, gentle Pops! The antithesis! And I have the scarred gums to prove it.

How does Kellogg get away with a switch-up like this? Why would they call this cereal Pops, when it is so clearly not Pops? Now I'm waiting nervously for the day I open a bottle of "New, Improved Taste!" Pepsi only to find it filled with Lil' Smokies.


SAD ADS

Have you heard V8 juice's new slogan? It's:

"You Could've Had a V8".

I love the note of hopelessness and despair in this one.
It would seem advertising slogans have almost come full circle in their semantic tense. Back in the olden days, everything was an imperitive, telling you to
do something, telling you, the consumer, what to consume and exactly how to consume it. You know, "Eat at Joes!" "Enjoy Coca Cola!" etc. Then came a softer, more sensitive era where this approach of direct action was deemed too agressive, so everything became a little more uncertain and switched over to questions. "Where Do You Want to Go Today?" "How Many Bars Do You Have?" "What Are You Gonna Love at Qdoba?" etc.

Now apparently we've given up on convincing and cajoling people, and settled on just a weary sigh of resignation and regret over their poor choices.

"You Could've Had a V8..."

What other slogans can we expect to come out of this new advertising trend?

"You Were In Much Better Hands With AllState." (Allstate)


"Still Happy With That PC?" (Apple)


"You Left Home Without It, Didn't You??" (American Express)


"Too bad you grew up. What Are You Like 30 Now?" (Toys R Us)


"Home Improvement Could Have Been Improved A Lot More, But We Tried." (Lowes)


"Remember How Well You Used to Be Able to Hear Me?" (Verizon)

FOOD REVIEW - SWEET POTATO CHIPS

Terra's Spiced Sweet Potato Chips wisely add the word "spiced" so that you don't think these are "sweet chips", like those abominable cinnamon-and-sugar Sun Chips, which taste as if they took regular salty Sun Chips and just sprinkled cinnamon and sugar on top of the existing flavor powder. The resulting flavor, "Cinnamon Cheddar", is a bold culinary stroke, but like many bold culinary strokes, tastes like sun-dried vomit.

I open the black, stylishly understated bag of Terra's chips and am delighted by the chips' deep orange color. They look just like sweet potatoes look! I pop one in my mouth, and my first reaction is, "Wow! These chips taste good!" The contrast of rich, mellow, sweet-potato sweetness with the tangy, cilantro-laden spice is an exotic new sensation. But something is nagging at the back of my brain, a vague feeling of familiarity. The odor of the chips is teasing my memory, somehow bringing to mind images of walking the snaggly streets of downtown Seattle late at night. Intrigued, I crunch down on another handful and breathe deep. Then it hits me. Where have I smelled this odor before? This musky blend of sweet, sour, and tangy? On every downtown street corner, wafting from the layers of tattered rags and crusted sweatshirts that form the steaming mound of lost humanity that is the homeless man. The truth hits me like a bolt of sickly-sweet lightning. These chips smell like B.O! Exactly like B.O! Like the kind of B.O that has been cultivated and nurtured and fermented until it acquires the richness and complexity of a great and terrible wine.

The chips taste delicious. But I can't shake the olfactory associations with diseased armpits and shambling hobos. I hurl the bag away and run to the bathroom to deposit some Cinnamon Cheddar in the toilet.


FASHION, MOVIES, CELL PHONES, MADNESS


My client in this morning's visit is a Mexican dad and his son. Dad mainly speaks Spanish but speaks English well enough to be conversational. And is he ever conversational… The guy is talking to me non-stop. He's talking to me as a write this. And what does he have to talk about? The following things, and nothing else: Fashion, Movies, and Cell Phones.

Every single visit, without fail, he will notice my shoes and start talking about Converse, how he likes this or that color, how they look great with a suit jacket when you go to the club, etc. It's the same conversation every visit, almost verbatim. He will then ask me about other brands of shoes, and I'll shrug and say "Sure". Next he moves to movies, and briefly touches on the latest major releases and whether or not they were awesome. Finally, we move to his favorite, Cell Phones. We discuss at great length the many merits of the iPhone, and various other new models I haven't heard of. Sometimes it veers into other electronics, iPods, laptops, etc, but usually we stay pretty firmly in the mall phone kiosk. I have become really adept at smiling and nodding.

Today, we had a slight variation on the motif. To be sure, it was still about mass-culture consumer goods, but today his big thing was about where those goods were manufactured. He was outraged to find that his new Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses were made in China, and went on to list every product he had ever seen that was made in China. Guess, Gap, Holister, Levis, even the beloved Converse…all in China. And when he ran out of stuff made in China, he began to list everything from India, then Korea, and so on. It took about 20 minutes.

For me, the sublime moment of this whole experience was when, later on, during a rare lull in the conversation, while I'm writing this blog and Dad is just sitting there looking at the wall, he suddenly, with no apparent context whatsoever, just blurts out, "Nike."

I think now I finally grasp the idea of rampant and toxic consumerism. I've always kind of dismissed it as a scratching-post for over-caffeinated social critics eager for a target, but I'd never known anybody who was really part of the scene, never really had it shoved in my face. Having just sat through a 2 hour lesson in pop-culture-consumer obsession, I think I get it now. Sign me up for a 10 year subscription to Adbusters...

9/03/2007

Amazing Seattle Restaraunt

Much as I'd like to keep this place a secret, their business is flagging and I promised the adorable little puppydog of a propriator that I would spread the word, so listen up: there's a little place called Sea Breeze downtown Ballard, near the corner of Market and 24th. They make the best Manhattans I've ever had, they serve the best, yeastiest loaf of bread I've ever had, and they make a tortellini in a sauce called Carbonara that will blow your mind. Eating there has been the first really amazing dining experience I've had in a while. Go there. That is all.

Love

Isaac

7/18/2007

DOG POO

The following is a short coming-of-age story from our guest contributor, Mr. Jared McSharry, entitled, "The Taste Isn't That Bad". Enjoy.


"The Taste Isn't That Bad"

by Jared McSharry


When I was 13 I was playing in the back yard of some Neighbors. The ratio of grass to poop was about 51% grass...49% poop. Kevin points his toe like a ballerina would and digs under a dry pile. He lifts his foot...poop is making forward flips toward me in slow motion...I notice that the under belly of the poop is where the moisture had settled...Poop comes to a stop on my tongue. Why my tongue? I was screaming like it was a horrer flick. Mouth wide. Poop was trying to get down my throat. Luckly tongue was a skilled guardian. With my tongue out of my mouth I ran from house to house telling people that I needed a wash cloth to wipe the poop off of my tongue. They asked me several times to repeat. Its difficult to talk with your mouth full.






Isaac VS Craigslist (MORE!)

More flights of classified-ad fancy, from the world in my head where everything makes me chuckle.



seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > cars & trucks

FANCY CAR!!


Reply to: sale-377121589@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-18, 8:44PM PDT


My husband has recently passed on, and I am selling his old car. I do not know anything about cars, but this one looks pretty fancy. I am not sure what kind it is, the logo is a circle with bars in it--it looks a little like the "peace" symbol that hippies use. On the trunk it says "Kompressor" so I think that is the brand. I have no idea how to find out how old the car is, it might be from 1990 or 1960, I wouldn't know, but when I turn the car on there is a screen in the dashboard that looks like a computer screen, and it has a bunch of computer jargon that I don't understand like "XM" and "HD". Do you know what these mean? If so, maybe this is the car for you! I don't really know what a fair price is for this car, it looks pretty nice but there are some problems, like the tires seem to be much thinner than they should be compared to the hubcaps, and the steering wheel is made out of wood instead of rubber, so I think it might be pretty old.
I saw a car that was about the same size selling for $8,000 at a car lot so I was going to sell it for that amount, but that one was bright red and this one is black, so I'll ask $7,000. If that is too much, please let me know! Thanks!






seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > electronics

17" TV ! Watch your favorite TV shows!!


Reply to: sale-377123561@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-18, 8:48PM PDT


17" TV. Screen is not flat, sorry. If I had to describe the screen's shape I would describe it as "slightly convex". Works great, volume goes up and down, channels change, also has knobs that control "color" "tint" and "sharpness", for if you want to make the image blurrier. It also does that cool thing where when you turn it off a white dot stays in the middle for a while, which newer TVs do not do--enjoy some nostalgia! This TV is good for watching anything you want to watch--sitcoms, news, soap operas, movies, it will work for all of these. I'm asking 30$, but make me an offer! (I will not accept any offers less than 30$)




seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > electronics

Memorex Blank CDrs, 50 packs! - $22


Reply to: sale-377126149@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-18, 8:53PM PDT


High quality blank CDs for burning music, data, etc. I buy these packs at Office Max for 20$ each, I am selling them for only 22$ each, so I am barely even making a profit.





seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > items wanted

Looking to trade-- pressure washer for Anne Geddes art


Reply to: sale-377128405@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-18, 8:57PM PDT


I have a newer pressure washer, only used about 5 times, in great condition, nozzle is clean, pressure is still very strong, motor usually starts with one pull. Looking to trade for Anne Gedde's prints, preferably the ones where the babies are inside vegetables, not so much the flower ones.

7/17/2007

Isaac VS Craigslist (Part 1)

Craigslist adds that I wrote while thinking about Craigslist ads while drinking Doubleshots at my job during a visit:




seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > items wanted

Tickets to Greg's show, Friday 7/20, at Greg's basement.


Reply to: sale-376259264@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-17, 6:55PM PDT


Need 2 tickets. I asked if I could go to his show and greg told me it was sold out. I think greg is lying so that I wont come there. Need to buy 2 tickets so me and Wayne can go. If it is really sold out please scalp them to me, I will pay 20 dolars. Thnks..>..>





PostingID: 376259264



seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > electronics

Nokia cell phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Reply to: sale-376263594@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-17, 7:07PM PDT


I have a Nokia cell phone from 1999. Lots of scratches (I keep a lot of change in my pockets) and earpiece is clogged with dirt, but still works fine. (numbers are worn off buttons but you can still see the "1" and the asterisk) Has a Color Screen (Green) and an antenna that can be pulled out 2 inches for better reception. (Manual claims it has a range of up to 500 feet from cell tower, but I haven't tested this) It features 3 "telephone style" ringtones (one sounds a lot like a real telephone!) and 2 musical ringtones ("The Can-Can", and "Mexican Hat Dance") which can be changed at any time, depending on your mood or your personality. This phone also allows you to "compose" your own ringtones, and comes with 1 tone that I made myself, called "Twilight's Aria". (It has 14 notes! Took forever.) This is a great little phone (it fits in the palm of your hand, if you put both hands together and allow for a little "overhang") the only drawback is the phone is assigned to a company called Sky Phone Wirefree, which may or may not still be in business (I quit using the phone in 2003) but if they're still out there, the phone is pre-paid and I think it still has 14 minutes of talk-time on it. (Call your mom, your girlfriend, whoever!) The phone was cutting-edge and cost 300$ when I bought it. I'm asking half that, but since the scratches mostly obscure the screen in direct sunlight (if you turn it at an angle or shade it with your other hand you can usually see it fine) I will consider dropping the price a little. Make an offer!..>..>





PostingID: 376263594


seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > baby & kid stuff

for sail -- my little brothr!!! - $5


Reply to: sale-376254939@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-17, 6:48PM PDT


super anoying little kid for sail. he is 5 years old and super anoying. He will do stuff like throw stuff at you and mess with your stuff. please by him from me I will sell him for only 5 dolars to a good home. serios buyers only pleas.
..>..>





PostingID: 376254939






seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > cars & trucks

2007 BMW 7 Series, fully loaded! Cheap!


Reply to: sale-376271674@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-17, 7:14PM PDT


Brand new BMW 7, cherry red, black leather interior, walnut wood detailing, HD radio, in-dash DVD,—fully loaded. Looks like only 3,500 miles on it. I am selling this car *as-is*---I DO NOT HAVE THE KEYS OR REGISTRATION FOR THIS CAR.

5,000$ cash, OBO. (no reasonable offer will be refused) Car is currently parked on corner outside Columbia Tower, downtown Seattle. Call Darin, 206-555-2678. (cell) I will be standing nearby.
..>..>






PostingID: 376271674